do I want children?

Pictured here with a group of after school kids. Cuba, March 2020

August is one of my favorite times of the year.

I know, I sound.. insane. Though it’s still blazing hot with temperatures hitting all-time highs here in Texas, there’s a palpable shift in the air, if only on the calendar. Despite the lingering heat and suffocating humidity, people everywhere are waking up from their summer malaise. Teachers are preparing their classrooms. Parents are buying school supplies. And kids are going back to school.

It’s no surprise that it’s during this season each year when I wonder, "Am I ever going to have kids?”

To be clear, I don’t have kids. I haven’t wanted children since the age of 20 when a bad break up rearranged my insides and cut me off from my former self - the innocent self who wanted marriage and four to five kids immediately after graduating college. Okay, that’s a bit exaggerated. But, I did change. And I’ve never been the same.

My Dating Life

It turns out, I did not want children. I did not want a husband. I barely wanted a boyfriend. If you ask my older sister, she’ll tell you that I’m the most chronically unsingle single woman she’s ever known. The world hardly knows it, but I’m rarely ever single. I choose to stay off social media with these things since I’ve not yet been engaged. Boyfriend is an odd thing to say and continuously showcase past the age of 25 or 30, don’t you think? It’s cheesy, and if you don’t agree, we agree to disagree.

Have I ever been truly single a day in my adult life? Hard to say.

I Never Wanted Your Life

Back to the question. Do I want kids? The answer was always no. I did not want the burdensome, exhausted life I saw others live. I don’t like our youth sports culture, or the overscheduled lives of elementary-aged children. I didn’t like seeing innocent faces splashed on social media pages, or quality time usurped by the pressures of fitting in. Mostly, though, I did not like knowing that whoever I was dating at the time wouldn’t share or pass down the same values I’d want to live and instill as a parent.

Don’t try to convince me regarding “equally yoked.” You cannot change a person, and the more spiritual one almost always neutralizes their convictions to make a relationship work with an unconverted partner. I once dated someone in the medical profession who got so angry at my faith, he screamed and said, “We come from monkeys and that’s a fact!” What was I thinking?

As of late, I’ve begun to think that maybe I would like children. I wouldn’t birth them, that’s for sure. But God has a way of opening doors in interesting ways when the time is right. At 36, I cannot imagine living the rest of my life the way I’ve lived it thus far. My life has been blessed - don’t get me wrong - I’ve been gifted with invaluable experiences and wonderful adventures, some of which include unimaginable disappointments, heartaches and growth. It’s been a life for which to be incredibly thankful. Still, I hold out hope for something slightly different, someday soon. Don’t we all?

The Upside and the Truth About Me

The upside of not having children young is that I’ve had ample time to grow up, develop an inward and public life and become a person who actually has something to offer a child, a young person, a spouse. It would not be their life I would be living through.

And here is the hammer. Though I’m single, a working professional, and totally self-reliant, I am (hold your breath) incredible traditional. Even though I don’t travel even 10% of what I used to, I’ve never been able to reconcile my lifestyle and job, plus children.

I Don’t Believe in Having it All, My Childhood

I suppose I’ve known deep down that things would have to change with children. I don’t believe in having it all. As a child, getting dropped off at daycare when I could barely walk was extremely difficult. I suffered coming home to an empty house after school, week after week, year after year, and being left alone with my siblings every summer with nothing to do, no camps to attend and no parent to direct my days. We were exceptionally raised, don’t misunderstand, but I would want something different my kids - especially if they happen to be an HSP (highly sensitive person) like me.

Note: This is a personal choice. Many mothers work full-time and successfully raise children.

Loneliness and Divorce

If you see me online or in person and think, “she must be lonely,” I sometimes am. If you read the previous section, you’ll conclude that I’ve been somewhat lonely my entire life. But if you think, “there must be something wrong with her,” that’s just not true.

To the well-meaning friends, pastors and loved ones who routinely tell someone in my position that it’s a lack of faith, discipline, obedience or effort that has resulted in what they view as “the plague of singleness,” I will say this: I do not believe the divorce rate is so high in America because couples can’t stick together and work out their problems. I believe the divorce rate is so high America because people marry the wrong person to begin with. If you’re tempted to think those above things when you encounter a situation like mine, I encourage you to study the Book of Job.

It’s partly true that I haven’t wanted children because I’ve not met the man who makes me want to be a mother. A man stronger than me who who will lead in love and truth. I say this in humility and faith - I will get married someday, and it will be to the right person, the first time around.

The Future is Bright

Because it’s taken so long, I know the Lord has something very special in store for me. I do cry, I do get frustrated, I do go to battle with myself at times. There are times when I leave a busy and successful workday and dread walking through the door because I know it leads to a quiet, undisturbed home. Well, except for the two cats, who I love dearly. If you follow my stories, you know I’m a Cat Lady!

“When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen.” Isa. 60:22

For the most part, though, I am content in what I have today. I never wish for someone else’s life, or for mine to have been dramatically different. You can’t know how much I love this life and just how good God has been to me. It is with a content and happy heart that I answer this vulnerable question I’m often asked and ask myself every August.

With that, Happy August, and Happy Going Back to School!

Xx,
Callie